Every Wednesday morning, bright and early, I have the privilege of sharing breakfast with some extraordinary gentlemen. With a combined 110 years of marriage experience, these men have a wealth of wisdom to share. One has been married for an impressive 57 years, and the other for 53 years. It's a truly enlightening experience to be in the midst of such practical wisdom.
Yeshua stated in Luke 14:28-32 " 28 For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— 29 lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, 30 saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? 31 Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? 32 Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace."
Have we counted the cost of marriage? Have we correctly estimated what it will take to make a marriage everything that HaShem intended it to be and to cross the finish line? Or have we underestimated what it takes to create a home full of love and shalom only to contemplate throwing in the towel?
Marriage is a union of two individual people, each with their unique strengths and perspectives. Understanding and embracing these differences is crucial for a successful marriage. Let's face it: men and women are different, very different, and that's a beautiful thing! The key to a thriving marriage lies in recognizing these differences and allowing them to complement each other. All too often, these differences become the point of contention instead of a point of union.
Not all differences between couples appear to be favorable. In fact, according to the Hebrew definition of "helpmate," which is ezer kenegdo, the term "kenegdo" literally means "opposite" or "opposed to him." This implies that if the husband is worthy, his wife will be a help to him, but if he is unworthy, she will oppose him and fight him instead (Rashi), Genesis 2:18). The Targum to Genesis 2:18 translates "helpmate" as "a support paralleling him." Rabbi Yitzchak Ginsburgh suggests that if the husband interprets his wife's contrariness correctly, it can improve their relationship and themselves (The Mystery of Marriage: R' Yitzchak Ginsburgh).
I asked the gentlemen at the breakfast table this question: What is the secret to the longevity of your marriage? The answer was straightforward and concise: "Listen carefully to your wife and do what she says."
The fact is that man needs rectification. The man was designed with deficiency for a purpose. Man needs a wife. In a book titled "Garden of Peace," Rabbi Shalom Arush explains that a woman doesn't need a man, but a man needs a woman to help rectify him. The sooner we men realize this, the better off we will be. It's as though HaShem placed His very own emissary right into our homes. Where we, as men, tend to go wrong is by not listening to the very voice of our partner. We seem to think that we know everything already and that our wives don't know that much. History has repeatedly proven that I don't know as much as I think. I could have saved myself and my wife a lot of heartache by just putting away my ego and listening carefully to my wife.
Do I really? Do I really understand what marriage is all about? Do I really understand the depth of wisdom HaShem has placed in the marriage relationship?
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